A Journey to Myself Through Hanekawa, and the Endless Relations

If you’re an otaku like me, you probably have characters you idolize. First of all is your Waifu/Husbando, and many more into the hierarchical tree. In my case, I have characters that closely are relatable to me, personality or mentally-wise of course (though you can add physically-wise if I’m up for a cosplay someday (which would never happen)).

I’ve find anime characters that would closely resemble my real-life personality or mentality, starting with Reina Kousaka from Hibike! Euphonium a year ago, Yuno from Hidamari Sketch and another year passed, January 2019, with Haruka Amami from The iDOLM@STER (trust me, there’s just more to idols than you think.)

Reina as a distant yet a spice of specialty, Yuno being the goofy and calm with most of everyday life, finding the little joys, scenery and lessons in it, and Haruka being the happy-go-lucky type, with energetic motives suffering under social/team fragmentation, yeah that would describe 2/4s of me.

 

Fast forward to late May 2019, where I just went headstart on the Monogatari Series, where I met two potentially relatable buns that can finally fill in the other 2/4s of my self? Let’s see…

Hanekawa’s almost the real representation of me, minus the smart and curves.

Nadeko fills 2/8s of me––just watch Second Season/Otorimonogatari because it would be spoilers otherwise.

Tsubasa Hanekawa fills the other half of that 2/4s––no probably 3/4s or even just about everything about me. And no, my name isn’t a jumbled mixup from the Japanese word “tsubasa” either from her or from Tsubasa Chronicles. I just happened to have thought of a username out of the blue, just like how everyone didn’t knew Nyan was actually an internet sensation and not their own thing.

Hanekawa is like a more parallel version of Reina. Her specialty is somewhat open, yet indirect, and goes through much more branches nobody would’ve reached. In the outside may be just some normal student/person, but in the inside is just so much more to the point you would have your own violent reaction.

You and I can be special not one but in many ways, just like Hanekawa. In my case, I’m just not that open, well-known to express. I’m lost whether or not I’m strongly independent or dependent, invulnerable or vulnerable, decisive or indecisive, just about the struggle and standstill of every opposites. All of that while I actually “hide” them, and can be a totally different person in school, or any public gathering.

I try to intervene stress with the normality of the outside world, like with school

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Stress nowadays is everywhere for me, not just school but even with just the little bits of things. Some say stress can get you white (strands of) hair, and it does for me!

I think I’m quite used to it, since I equip myself with a very happy expression outside that I can contain my own stress just fine. However on my other side stands out my aloof––and of course––my stressful side of things. It is to the point you might’ve met two of the same person with a clear difference, just like umbras!

Like Hanekawa, she may appear to you as a normal yet smart person, but then she may be more than that. I may have a hidden personality, but in the mean time just isn’t like telling a truth from a lie, the appearance of something hidden long ago or sharing the unshared. I may be very happy and joyful to you, but inside is just a mess of stress I just can’t tell you about because I’m just afraid of change.

I wanna tell you more, but the latter just felt spoiler-y! ╥﹏╥!!

Unless if you wanted autobiography over anime spoilers, then hop on in!

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